Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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