We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
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after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
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It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
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