I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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