apparently the secret to your success is patron
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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