why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
