you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
