Your mouth is God's brothel.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
