Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This is classic penis vs brain.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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