Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
