Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
