I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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