he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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