Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
