Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
