I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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