What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
