peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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