my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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