i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
