god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
