I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
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At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
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all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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