Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
