it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
