My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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