Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
