I think i peed on brittanys purse
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
