Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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