I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
