I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
whose parrot is this?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
