I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
