At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
