I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
