does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
