I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
