didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
