We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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