I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I want her autograph on my taint
Found the puke drawer
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
