Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Randomize
