im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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