dude i'm inner monologue high
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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