im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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