I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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