I can text with my tongue
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
