I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
