I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
