Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's shark week go big or go home
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
