i think i recognize dicks better than faces
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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