and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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