Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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