I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
