Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
