I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
