No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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