Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
