Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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