If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
