I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
