Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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