and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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