Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
